In Charge

I really do not believe in New Year's resolutions but I will promise myself something close to the beginning of the year.
I will put myself first.
i can't remember the last time I fully did that.
i always find something someone else would like, or a way to please them without regarding my own feelings and what it is actually doing tome.
i will spoil myself, its why I pull the long pay periods.
honestly 177.75 hours in two weeks, what is that like 89 hours a week. ridiculous.
Ive been pulling out the big shovels and digging my own grave.
I will do my best to fix that.

I start school in one week at utsa.
I had a biopsy and get the results midweek. that shit hurts.
so for now ill sit back and take it easy, the weather is warm and i cant complain.

It looks like i trying to eat my arm

Thank god for freevlog, because without a little refresher here and there I'd be beyond rusty at this.
I just got a canon powershot Sd400 and I love it.
This is my first project playing around with in the few hours that I have not been working.
I am trying to work straight until the 13th because on the 14th I get on a plane to Boston.
Very exciting, I get to spend alot more time there this trip.

My day off

Its strange, ive never been much of an activist of anything.
Or believed in something that hurt my head so much.
I wake up in the morning and think of those kids, my kids, our kids.
All of the workers put in all the time we can spare with them.
Its frustrating.
It hurts.
Before im demanding they place their heads on thepillows, I tuck them in like tacos, kiss their little heads and remind them that tomorrow is another day. They can try again.
And there are some days when we count the seconds until the next shift comes to relieve us.
Some sit in the rocking chair, others read or fill int he daily behavior reports last minute.
I pace.
I put their little hands and legs pack on the bed.

on my days off I every hour I remember the schedule, art therapy, outside play, dinner, cleaning, snack, showers, bed.
We forget about the prozac and the high blood pressure meds to curb the agression.
because in my life time I want them to know what hope is and like they are doing now, know not to give up.
Not all foster families adopt.
The children enjoy returnign to the shelter because it contains the stability and the structure that they will never forget.
Adoption.
So i never feel like not going in, nothing urges me to call in sick, ill volunteer my days off until ive worked 15 days straight or more.
nothing we do for children is ever wasted.

halo wiener

On the fridge in my pop's house are these random art projects that i bring home from work. Like the wiener dog that is dressed up like a hot dog. he liked that one more than the tissue paper pumpkin that the girls and I made in Girl Scouts.

For the past two days ive been sitting at the receptionist desk, answering the phones, doing intakes, and sending emails. I taught myself how to use outlook better than my supervisor in five minutes. I helped log meds and then I realized that I was doing the job of an assisstant supervisor. well, shit, It will be the same thing tomorrow. I was supposed to go on the Halloween outing and now im stuck with the kids throwing candy at me when they get back. I like the holidays for them. Its so busy and they forget about all the bad things and it doesnt even seem like they need their nightly zoloft.

So, with much debate, I have deided to put my potential journalism career in the closet, it can haunt me later. I will work on pre-medicine and I am determined to achieve it this time. I just have to get through this semester and I will be able to buckle down, take a deep breathe and start over.

It wasnt an easy decision. It still hurts me to think about it. But I know its for the best, its for me. And of all the times for my frivolous tendencies to kick in. i wanted to pack up and leave, all responsibilities, any way of obtaining money, a roof over my head with no rent, just to feel whole and happy, even if only for a little while.

I pulled it together, I have regrouped. That will all come in good time. Napoleon gave Josephine DESTINY, no one is offering it to me, it is obscure. I will find it myself, don't bother me I am fixing the future.


so I stare at the wall,
Feeling everything is wrong
i have lost my heaeart
to a boy who cant be mine

i was never a good girl

i dont even know how to pretend to be a girl.
sometimes i get lucky. eh

dad took me to the bijou on my day off.
a ilfe unfinished, alright, but jenny from the block didnt fit.
it didnt seem right.
robert redford smacks two guys in the face with a coffee pot in a diner.
sorry john.

i want to see proof tomorrow but i have to wrok, so maybe saturday morning.
or not its the red river shootout so the UT alum will be in front of the tube.
i flunked out in a way so i dont care very much.
ok at all.

its 67 degrees outside, really nice.
ugh this broken thing.

my applications for BU and stuff are due on nov.1
i havnet started and im feeling the anxiety.

This mess in my head is a mess getting help
you drink too much coffee, i drink too much stout

screw you and your paper too

so im sitting in the moody library and the accd server wont let me connect to ichat.
bummer
i refuse to go to do assignments on my photo day.
tricia is not too happy about that.
but i admit it is mainly her fault.
she pushed me to the edge and i just cannot care anymore.
i hate to say she is going to be feeling the loss in the coming papers.
she lost me to the world of there are more important things.

the last huge assignment i went to.
the davis shelter for the katrina refugees.
of course we know that sam houston is right across the street.
and their mascot is a hurricane.

















roses are red
violets are blue
everything is possible
nothing is true

viva la tuesdays and thursdays

WHAT A BUMMER


happiness is a warm gun