a big town university or bust

In Charge

2006-01-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

I really do not believe in New Year's resolutions but I will promise myself something close to the beginning of the year.
I will put myself first.
i can't remember the last time I fully did that.
i always find something someone else would like, or a way to please them without regarding my own feelings and what it is actually doing tome.
i will spoil myself, its why I pull the long pay periods.
honestly 177.75 hours in two weeks, what is that like 89 hours a week. ridiculous.
Ive been pulling out the big shovels and digging my own grave.
I will do my best to fix that.

I start school in one week at utsa.
I had a biopsy and get the results midweek. that shit hurts.
so for now ill sit back and take it easy, the weather is warm and i cant complain.

It looks like i trying to eat my arm

2005-12-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

Thank god for freevlog, because without a little refresher here and there I'd be beyond rusty at this.
I just got a canon powershot Sd400 and I love it.
This is my first project playing around with in the few hours that I have not been working.
I am trying to work straight until the 13th because on the 14th I get on a plane to Boston.
Very exciting, I get to spend alot more time there this trip.

My day off

2005-11-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

Its strange, ive never been much of an activist of anything.
Or believed in something that hurt my head so much.
I wake up in the morning and think of those kids, my kids, our kids.
All of the workers put in all the time we can spare with them.
Its frustrating.
It hurts.
Before im demanding they place their heads on thepillows, I tuck them in like tacos, kiss their little heads and remind them that tomorrow is another day. They can try again.
And there are some days when we count the seconds until the next shift comes to relieve us.
Some sit in the rocking chair, others read or fill int he daily behavior reports last minute.
I pace.
I put their little hands and legs pack on the bed.

on my days off I every hour I remember the schedule, art therapy, outside play, dinner, cleaning, snack, showers, bed.
We forget about the prozac and the high blood pressure meds to curb the agression.
because in my life time I want them to know what hope is and like they are doing now, know not to give up.
Not all foster families adopt.
The children enjoy returnign to the shelter because it contains the stability and the structure that they will never forget.
Adoption.
So i never feel like not going in, nothing urges me to call in sick, ill volunteer my days off until ive worked 15 days straight or more.
nothing we do for children is ever wasted.

halo wiener

2005-10-30T23:00:00.000-08:00

On the fridge in my pop's house are these random art projects that i bring home from work. Like the wiener dog that is dressed up like a hot dog. he liked that one more than the tissue paper pumpkin that the girls and I made in Girl Scouts.

For the past two days ive been sitting at the receptionist desk, answering the phones, doing intakes, and sending emails. I taught myself how to use outlook better than my supervisor in five minutes. I helped log meds and then I realized that I was doing the job of an assisstant supervisor. well, shit, It will be the same thing tomorrow. I was supposed to go on the Halloween outing and now im stuck with the kids throwing candy at me when they get back. I like the holidays for them. Its so busy and they forget about all the bad things and it doesnt even seem like they need their nightly zoloft.

So, with much debate, I have deided to put my potential journalism career in the closet, it can haunt me later. I will work on pre-medicine and I am determined to achieve it this time. I just have to get through this semester and I will be able to buckle down, take a deep breathe and start over.

It wasnt an easy decision. It still hurts me to think about it. But I know its for the best, its for me. And of all the times for my frivolous tendencies to kick in. i wanted to pack up and leave, all responsibilities, any way of obtaining money, a roof over my head with no rent, just to feel whole and happy, even if only for a little while.

I pulled it together, I have regrouped. That will all come in good time. Napoleon gave Josephine DESTINY, no one is offering it to me, it is obscure. I will find it myself, don't bother me I am fixing the future.

so I stare at the wall,
Feeling everything is wrong
i have lost my heaeart
to a boy who cant be mine

i was never a good girl

2005-10-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

i dont even know how to pretend to be a girl.
sometimes i get lucky. eh

dad took me to the bijou on my day off.
a ilfe unfinished, alright, but jenny from the block didnt fit.
it didnt seem right.
robert redford smacks two guys in the face with a coffee pot in a diner.
sorry john.

i want to see proof tomorrow but i have to wrok, so maybe saturday morning.
or not its the red river shootout so the UT alum will be in front of the tube.
i flunked out in a way so i dont care very much.
ok at all.

its 67 degrees outside, really nice.
ugh this broken thing.

my applications for BU and stuff are due on nov.1
i havnet started and im feeling the anxiety.

This mess in my head is a mess getting help
you drink too much coffee, i drink too much stout

screw you and your paper too

2005-09-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

so im sitting in the moody library and the accd server wont let me connect to ichat.
bummer
i refuse to go to do assignments on my photo day.
tricia is not too happy about that.
but i admit it is mainly her fault.
she pushed me to the edge and i just cannot care anymore.
i hate to say she is going to be feeling the loss in the coming papers.
she lost me to the world of there are more important things.

the last huge assignment i went to.
the davis shelter for the katrina refugees.
of course we know that sam houston is right across the street.
and their mascot is a hurricane.

roses are red
violets are blue
everything is possible
nothing is true

viva la tuesdays and thursdays

2005-09-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

WHAT A BUMMER

happiness is a warm gun

Videoblogging

2005-09-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

This is the product of my morning with Michael Verdi.

and as the summers ending the cold wind will push my hard heart away

2005-08-28T00:07:00.000-07:00

i like to believe that may be on eday I will be fulfilled. But i have a terrible feeling that our generaton will not allow it.

I am dreading the day that everyone leaves. to colder climates and more cramped surroundings. no hill country or river tubes, no barbque or bluegrass blues.

what will i do all by myself? drown my sorrows in bill millers tea, red bull, and that case of shiner all to myself.
I coudl just ask someone to have pity on me and drop by. especially on hose weeks when the meds throw me out of sorts.

" It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks
through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen
But the film is a saddening bore
For she's lived it
ten times or more
She could spit in the eyes of fools
As they ask her to focus on"

I suppose I'd start by removing all my clothes, tie my panthose around my neck

2005-08-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

I just had a complete mental breakdown at like 520 in the pm. I guess I just had enough for the week. I come to find that all the plans I had dissed because of the dinner that was going to be is now not.
People have meetings and boyfriends and I get left on my day off with laundry and a dog doped up on valium, some goldfish crackers and flat big red.

Lets start with how I got here. August 1.
I got myself a job at the childrens shelter of sa. Pops girlfriend had recommended it and I was more money than my other job and the for sure 40 plus hours so I took it with out blinking an eye.
We are on a 4-2 schedule, four days on, two days off.
This is my second week with children and I got sick on the first day. I had to go to work with a cold, body aches, nausea, the works for three more days.
I wipe baby butts, I change diapers, I hold feisty ones in timeout, I feed them and bathe them, and put them to sleep at night, and then we have chores.
Basically thrown into motherhood and didn’t even see it coming. No wonder they loose people so quickly, the only people that manage to stay are those who already have kids. They are girls my age that got pregnant in their teens, they learned to cope at an early age and just stick it out cause the pay is good and there is always overtime.
The only thing that comes to mind of this week is me crouched over a miniature toilet gagging on my guts while the little boy next to me was telling me he was finished doing his business.

I dont know why I was expecting more out of a day off, even you know a nice movie at home and some carbonation. Even that is just oo much to ask for.
Its not that I want to be rewarded or anything, its just that Id like the pleasure of having company that could speak proper English and not bite me if I said something they didn’t like.

"Tell me how could you compromise yourself like this
Tell me how could you blame anyone else when you aren’t really committed
Tell me where was your head when you broke the promise to yourself
The one where you don’t forget every life lesson that happened before your eyes"

i would fuck you

2005-07-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

uma thurman sounded so sincere when she said that in the truth about cats and dogs. i love how horrible janeane garofolo feels about herself, HOW SHE FEELS SO REJECTED, and all the self depreciation she does. shes relaly pretty to me. but all that negativity rolled up is the same thing i find myself doing and then i getmad about it haha, still negative.
i was not born an optomist.

watched million dollar baby. very very sad, it got the good mood i had to work really hard to get this mornign and flushed it down the drain.

today i lied through my teeth, to my grandmother. she made me promise i was going to finish school. i dont know why she did that, ive said nothign to no one about m doubts. but i kow if it comes down to it ther eis a chance where i wouldnt right away. id drop out, if i had a job that could support myself. but it doenst really look like that will be happening so school it is, for now.

gawd awful. i feel like crap righ tnow too, i got dropped from summer II cause not enough money in the account, so im gettin gmy 150 bucks back in check form from ACCD. i want ice cream and i wanted milk but we dont have any. im fucking lactose intolerant. what the hell.

i dont feel like going out at all, i feel like moping, i bought a bag from a catalog. a big one. with teh money iwas going to use to buy million dollar baby on tuesday. too bad, anyone who knows me, knows that itll carry my life. dad always kids and says im goig to run away. id be careful if i were him, cause you never kow and that day might come sooner than he thinks.

"If I told you a secret
You won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
Cause it's burning a hole
And I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this lie"

argh

2005-07-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

ive decided to write a viewpoint adressing the question about students and the need for college.
i cant really go into detail in case im scooped.
not that anyone reads this.

college: i dont know what school to apply for there is alot i want to do, im definitley confused, AGAIN.

now ive got to get to my dead end job.
i applied at the childrens shelter yesterday and hope they call me this week so i can quit the dead end and get the full time with benifits.

"i cant believe the love i give is not enough to end your fears, i guess i couldnt live without the things that make my life what it is"

independence day

2005-07-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

so today we're going to sears!
think were gonig to get a new stove because ours is broked. well the oven is. and htat means no cakes, or brownies or bagelbites.
and that is a sad sad thing.

i got myself the blackberry i wanted, but its blue. it should be called blueberry, i thnk the newer ones are black though. i dnt know.

this morning i watched call me:the rise and fall of heidi fleiss. it was alright i personally thought tere was going to be mre sex in it, because they made a big deal about how it was all urated and uncut. it would have passed for R. and i didnt like the thing the discala girl was doing with her tongue against her teeth the whole movie. i noticed it in the beginning and knew it was going to get on my nerves.

meh que sera, sera

"Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime"

i just feel completely fucked

2005-07-02T18:44:00.000-07:00

i cant believe this shit.
texas is on fire and my stupid store director has us out in the heat for the majority of hte day.
my days at te cideo store are numvbered.

paulita is here with the devil child, i like her, she reminds me of stitch.
chewing and growling.
at least they havent been fucking when im awake lately.
i can never sleep when they do that.

ugh, i just get so depressed im sorry.
its just that one day you can be so ful of hope so ful of ambitiion.
and then the reality of it hits, that you proably wont be able to succeed or you have already failed in your life long ambition and it doesnt matter how old you are or how long you have left to live.
and then would you rather not have to deal with it or live, and deal with the dissappointment, how miserable life can be

so maybe i do need to fix this, or see someone about it. this is not chemical, like the little zoloft commercials show. this is soley emotional, things we arent capable of dealling with in our day and age of instant gratification.

tonight i am tat the grandparents house drowning my sorrows in irish cream.

"i want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real. and i want life in every word to the extent that its absurd"

if i were pagoda id stab my best friend too

2005-06-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

what a fucked up week.
i went to warped and nearly melted. but i saved all my energy for dropkick and that was fucking worth it.
i got a signed poster and still need to find a place to put it up.

i had to get up way to early in the fuckign morning on monday to wind up babysitting some brat kids that dont understadn the value of the free ride they are recieving at mine and others expense.
so i yelled at one and decided to call it a day.
the rest of the week was a little rocky in that area and today was produciton so we all know how that goes.
or maybe we dont, and for you people you arelucky.

it wouldnt have been all that bad if fucking ricky hadnt screwed me over.
the other day elaine just noticed that two of the children were talking about me across the room at lunch.
i didnt think much of it, until the next day.
it turns out the little kid who was talking about me is tight with little richard.
they email each other. and batt their eyes.
i smelled a fucking rat.
mary tells me this mronign that the girlie told her things about me and him and that i broke his little heart.
well it must have obviously given him a way to get some ass and the child was buying it.
so i went to irene and was just like it made me uncomfortable becase it was neither the time nor the place to even bring that up.
she put him down telling him it was only natural to beleve that they were their peers.saying hes blinded and young minded.

problem maybe resolved because he let me taste one of his wierd chips at lunch today.
the sandwich garden is good but very very messy. we all looked like two year olds.

well he still isnt my friend. hes a dope. i menan who would mess with one of these kids who wears too much eyeliner and believes that she wore chuck taylors before they were a fad. chucks were a fad when they were first introduced. they remain that still, its just the hipsters took over, and she is still too young to have worn them before that happnened.
his last girlfriend at the age of 19 was only 16! what a cradle robber. I WILL NOT VISIT YOU IN JAIL YOU PERVERT.

so i tried to fill out some applications kinda early on tuesday. it really stressed me out as well. how the fuck am i going to do this. im scaring myself. so i stpped. its way too early as it is.

ive decided to screw hollywood video i havent worked in six days straight.
paulita offered me a full time job with benifits working at the childrens shelter.
it sounds like a sweet deal and its stable.
i need that financial stablility right now. If i get that experience, and savei can get another job at a daycare somewhere else.
ugh i write or talk too much i should do this more often so it doesnt get too long anymore.

gave in, but not giving up

2005-06-19T19:31:00.000-07:00

Saturday was spent looking through all the wellesley stuff they sent me. i was thinking about calling my cousin maria and asking her about it since it is her aluma mater. but that fell through cause i got lazy and took a nap.

dad took us to super target and we got popcorn and icees and bought beyond the sea for the uncle and george lopez for the gramps.

work was hectic becuase i was the only person working, i dont think thats the way its supposed to be. if i can transfer to a boston hollywood that would be cool, at least until i find a real job. it would be great to temp for the globe. but dream on.

the rest of the wek will be spent insac journalism with the kiddos like i planned, even if i said i wasnt, i called. if i want the recommendations i need i better get my rear out of the they are fucking me over gear (even if htey really are and using me for allthey can get) and just work. i like the professionals that come in once a year they were the people who guided me to what i do well. writing and photography equally. and that faggot better watch out cause i am so much more than he ever gave me credit for.

so go see batman at the imax, it was awesome. ty john.

i need to find my bu application and download a mass art.

Never turned our backs,
Stuck together through and through,
The times have changed,
But my heart and soul's with you

my brain is rotting away

2005-06-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

Im sick of being stuck at Junior College.
I've only been there a year but I can't help feeling like every day of every semester a part of me is slipping away and will never come back.
i have to get out! and soon.
not to mention i was sucked into a world of contacts and fools (okay more like suckered), journalism is all about who you know. but the more people I meet, and the more buisness cards that roll around in my bag and sit on my photo editors desk or in my god damnedordinary reporters notebook the more i just dont know.

so my conclusion, the point of this blog, is to progress, fill the applications out, and pack my duffles and boxes of books and things dear to me (including my talkind master yoda) and head on out so i can breathe once again.

"i want i want, i need, i need some peace of mind, some clarity" and the rest normal.